Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

! N2 B1 ?3 q3 v% @& _2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

! {6 w1 i+ f8 o" g5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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# C9 n* e! v( y  I4 A- O7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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/ C% U5 r! @+ H7 K: U! \; o9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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9 @3 b, Z5 @6 @13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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- S5 O; G. G8 a/ N+ U( `15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.