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Dress Code: 7 |1 `2 O. k$ N; l6 N2 c8 x: X# @
1. You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
! W$ t: G& w8 O V. ]/ _2. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
# r7 P4 T5 D; T1 F) q' |( I3. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
! G# O3 X6 d5 J, P* ?: O1 E( }4. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. 4 q3 w6 ?" r, D0 W
1 `4 O- R& b7 m+ W' C ~& tSick Days:
* `5 Y5 S. b0 \) t( \( l5 C3 M! b- KWe will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
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3 ^1 K/ A" ~8 Y- f1 Q, ?Personal Days: 3 r9 `. ]0 i9 t# J
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays. . F/ k8 y4 w- X5 B4 Y4 \
) }5 @" }9 l" ]# Y0 H8 O. |Bereavement Leave:
* c2 N2 ~3 j# E; F8 [4 `" Z1. This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.
# m! r k z l$ d# _2 s$ U2. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements.
; K; p5 ~5 v# d$ K5 c3. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late af ternoon. 1 j) C7 k s- o% M
4. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
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Bathroom Breaks: 5 w' L) i& }# f/ b' v) s
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.
8 ^. R0 r; x. d2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. ) V+ ^* l1 R* m! u+ U; Y' F
3. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. - e- s* t0 n9 j# X- {. o R" y
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
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Lunch Break: % b9 }! p }( I6 E/ v
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. ( P' @ x" M q8 f# o* p. \+ a W8 P
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. & z) L0 a) Y9 Z. r9 v: l- ]
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. : h8 R. S; J$ t2 g
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Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation s, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
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The Management 6 i: [6 j2 a+ S9 W! }
, z, E' K7 x' vPass this on to all who are employed. |
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